“And anyone can tell
You think you know me well
But you don't know me”
I guess it’s safe to say that I have quite a number of friends in my life. First of all, I’m really grateful for their friendship and memories that I had with them. They mean the world to me. Childhood friends (think: Omega, Amy Phoon), Primary and Secondary School pals (a whole bunch of them), Church buddies (a few bunch of them), Form 6 pals (especially those in Lower Science 5) and of course my KDU buddies (another whole bunch of them). They have all made an impact in my life no matter how short the period that I’ve spent with them.
The truth is, how many of my friends totally know and understand the real me? I can’t say I’ve changed much for the past few years but a few habits of mine which were common in high school might have disappeared when in college. What’s my favourite colour? What’s my favourite footballer’s name? Which is my favourite book? Am I happy or sad right about now? So seriously, they don’t really know me.
Sadly, I don’t really know me myself. How could they know me when I don’t know myself? This phase I’m going through is I guess what you call an identity crisis. There, I’ve finally admitted it out in the open! Me, suffering from an identity crisis? It’s just pretty bizarre if you asked me.
I guess it’s pretty common for people my age to feel the way I’m feeling right now. I remembered a time in Malacca; we had this serious talk about ‘what’s the purpose of life?’ I realized now in a way that the people asking those questions (Erm….Eng Kiat and Choi) are actually searching for their own identity too. If you know who you are, what you want in life, how you are going to achieve it, you would have figured out the purpose of life is it not? Think about it. Carefully.
It’s been nagging at me for the last 2 years. Who am I really? My parent’s daughter, my brother’s sister, my lecturer’s student? It’s not as simple as that. What is the purpose of my existence on Earth? To be a somebody. How do you define a somebody? A doctor is a somebody? An architect? Isn’t a gardener a somebody too? A housewife? I’ve been searching for an answer for the past 2 years and frankly, I’m nowhere near to finding the answers myself.
As a 20 year old, my version of a somebody would be someone attending university, doing her ideal course. Someone who has tonnes of friends and even a caring, loving boyfriend. Someone who knows what she wants and is on the verge of getting it. I don’t think I qualify to be that someone for all the above 3 reasons. I used to think that I had such high self-esteem, but what a mockery. I don’t sound like myself anymore. And thus, we’re back to the ‘i-don’t-know-myself’ issue once more.
I find myself searching for my personality. What is it that I like to do during weekends? Who do I enjoy hanging out with? What are the clothes that I usually buy? What kind of music do I listen to? What is my greatest achievement so far? I also find myself, loving to tell stories about my college days to my hometown friends and vice versa. It’s sort of a childish attempt to indicate subtly that ‘Hey, I have a life too!’ All this for what? All because I felt the need to reassure myself that I do indeed have a life! If I had high self-esteem, I would not have needed to do so. Back to the question of having an identity crisis again! Sigh.
I feel like I don’t know myself anymore. But I would really like to know me once more. I guess time does play a hand in this. I know it’s complicated and I might sound like a psychopath with split-personality but I assure you, while I’m clueless and lost in translation, I’m still perfectly sane. (Don’t worry; I won’t go around with a butcher’s knife killing everyone I know) But then again, I would have discovered my identity as a serial killer, wouldn’t I? Ha-ha…just kidding here.
Let’s just say that to those of you, my friends who truly know me, or think you know me, drop by a note okay? It might help rise up my self-esteem-o-meter up a notch. God knows, it’s gonna reach zero anytime now.
