Crossroads

Song of the day: Bone Thugs and Harmony – Crossroads

“God bless you working on a plan to Heaven

Follow the Lord all 24/7 days,

GOD is who we praise

even though the devil's all up in my face”

Everyone says life is like a long road that leads to eternity. Eternity, here is construe as heaven when we kicked the bucket eventually. There are bound to be crossroads that we face when we walked down this long and winding ‘road’. If life is like a straight road ahead without pathways and crossroads, it is kinda boring and predictable isn’t it? Nevertheless, pathways and crossroads, albeit interesting, doesn’t particularly thrill me.

We start our journey when we were born into this world. At first, our journey was rather pleasant. It was a straight road ahead with few obstacles. Plus, there were vehicles that drove us along the road (Read: parents being our ‘vehicle’). So basically, there weren’t much to worry about except that maybe our ‘vehicles’ had broken down or there weren’t any fuel to progress on. (Think: times when parents won’t give us what we wanted as babies and times when they hit us in the butt because we behaved badly).

Then, the road began to roughen out a bit come pre-teen. There weren’t anymore vehicles! This time we had to walk down the road ourselves. The journey was hardly tedious but there came a point when we faced our 1st big challenge. UPSR. The fence was hardly high enough but to us 1st timers, it seemed quite daunting. After crossing the fence, we moved on along the road we called life. Life gets sweeter somehow at this stage. We realized the quirks of being on the brink of adulthood (read: teenager!). Then, we came towards our next ‘fence’. PMR. The fence seemed much higher than the previous one and much more intimidating. Nevertheless, we managed to pass it somehow and soon, our journey resumed. We came face to face with our 1st crossroad in our pathway. One path leads towards Science and the other, Arts. Since we managed to pass the former fence (PMR) without much difficulty, we usually opt for the Science path as most people in our situation would have chosen. The Science path proved to be a rewarding experience that leads to many pathways in time to come. Most of us did not regret our chosen path. At the end of our trail, a bigger and more frightening barrier awaits us. SPM. Compared to UPSR and PMR, the SPM fence seemed a hundred times taller and scarier. We struggled to pass through it but eventually, all our toil and suffering paid off handsomely. The SPM fence had been successfully crossed!

Now, the first step towards the big road ahead begins. Pre-U! For most people, it is a major crossroad in their life. Choosing the Pre-U that would suit their career aspirations was essentially important. Most people, like yours truly usually opt to go for Science courses because they haven’t managed to make up their clueless mind about their future career prospects. Indecisiveness? Yes, but not ashamed of it. Time wasted? I don’t think so.

After graduating from Pre-U, I am impeded by the biggest crossroad in my life (which is happening in my life right now). 2 paths lead towards ‘Science’ which each path having its own pros and cons. Science path #1 is pretty familiar as it is directly off my previous Pre-U path (read:KDU). Science path #2 doesn’t hold much appeal to me (read: Pharmacy in IMU). There are many who would have chosen this path but to me, it is overrated and the road seems very rough and patchy. Though it seems overly recognizable to me (read: Chemistry), I am reluctant to step foot onto that specific pathway. Now, the 3rd path is way different from the other 2 paths. It is called the Arts/Commerce path. The road seems pretty exciting and challenging to me. But many others in my situation dare not venture into this particular pathway. ‘It is not suitable for a Science student like you’ they say.

Now, I’m stuck in the middle of the journey. A choice has to be made about which one of these 3 paths I would set foot on. I am truly afraid of making the wrong choice and ended up stumbling before I’m even half-way through. Now, as time does not permit me to stay rooted in the middle any longer, I irrevocably made an extensive and thoughtful decision. And just like Robert Frost, I resolute to choose the road less taken. I hope my decision would not come to haunt me as I begin yet another journey into life.

This is our song

Song of the day: Code Red – This is our song

“This is our song,

This is the song

we'll remember forever and ever”

Whoever said only couples can have their special songs? Friends can have their own ‘songs’ with each other too, right? It’s not some kind of a romantic thing to have songs with best buddies. Since I don’t have a special someone in my life right now, I have lots of special ‘songs’ with my good pals. Let me run a list down here.

Siah (as I like to call her) Yuet Min (as she would preferred to be called)

Def Leppard – Two Steps Behind (remember when we were finishing our Add Maths homework in 5 Lily class and you were slightly slower than me? Hehe…I have no idea why but ever since that day, I always associate this song with you dear)

Taya-the tall freak-llen

Frankie Valli & the 4 seasons – Walk like a man (Haha…totally unexpected right? I remembered I hummed it during class and you totally surprised me by saying that you liked it too! Yeah, I know. It was on the Mrs. Doubtfire soundtrack. The song’s cute, don’t you think?)

Eng Kiat aka Dumbo5151

Katrina and the Waves – Walking on sunshine (I have no idea whether you remembered not but you related my brand-new Adidas shoes with this song. You told me that my shoes looked like the sky…Haha)

Kenneth @ Horny pie

Roxette – How do you do (You introduced the song to me and after listening to it a few more times, I grew to like it! Thanks man for doing so even though I already had that song in my collection of MP3’s before…Hehe)

Amrit Kaur Sandhu (enjoying herself in UNSW, no doubt)

Elton John – Sacrifice (Arg…..I really dislike that song but she and Charmaine likes it and whenever they were in my room, they always wanted to hear it!)

Melissa aka Jinxyash

Ruth Sahanaya – Keliru (I hope you remember all the times that we sang this song. Again and again and again. Sigh. I miss those times so much. I think it was before our finals some more but we just kept on singing it every time! Haha)

Omega –the ‘bigheaded’ one

Neil Sedaka – Laughter in the rain (I don’t think you would remember this but you called and asked me about this song when you heard it on Light & Easy once a long time ago? Anyway, this song is totally nice)

Gayetri Deva Rajoo

Phantom Planet – California (Theme song of the OC of which we always watched together in 504 living room. Whenever the song plays, Gaya will definitely sing along, though she only knows the part of the lyrics where they sing… ‘Californiaaaaa…..’ Haha…I bet Charmaine and Suba will totally agree with me)

For those of you whose name ain't here, don't feel offended. It just means that i haven't found 'our' special song yet! (or we have but I have a sudden memory lapse that is all) Don't worry, we'll get to doing that later, all rite?

You don't know me

Song of the day: Ray Charles – You don’t know me

“And anyone can tell

You think you know me well

But you don't know me”

I guess it’s safe to say that I have quite a number of friends in my life. First of all, I’m really grateful for their friendship and memories that I had with them. They mean the world to me. Childhood friends (think: Omega, Amy Phoon), Primary and Secondary School pals (a whole bunch of them), Church buddies (a few bunch of them), Form 6 pals (especially those in Lower Science 5) and of course my KDU buddies (another whole bunch of them). They have all made an impact in my life no matter how short the period that I’ve spent with them.
The truth is, how many of my friends totally know and understand the real me? I can’t say I’ve changed much for the past few years but a few habits of mine which were common in high school might have disappeared when in college. What’s my favourite colour? What’s my favourite footballer’s name? Which is my favourite book? Am I happy or sad right about now? So seriously, they don’t really know me.
Sadly, I don’t really know me myself. How could they know me when I don’t know myself? This phase I’m going through is I guess what you call an identity crisis. There, I’ve finally admitted it out in the open! Me, suffering from an identity crisis? It’s just pretty bizarre if you asked me.

I guess it’s pretty common for people my age to feel the way I’m feeling right now. I remembered a time in Malacca; we had this serious talk about ‘what’s the purpose of life?’ I realized now in a way that the people asking those questions (Erm….Eng Kiat and Choi) are actually searching for their own identity too. If you know who you are, what you want in life, how you are going to achieve it, you would have figured out the purpose of life is it not? Think about it. Carefully.

It’s been nagging at me for the last 2 years. Who am I really? My parent’s daughter, my brother’s sister, my lecturer’s student? It’s not as simple as that. What is the purpose of my existence on Earth? To be a somebody. How do you define a somebody? A doctor is a somebody? An architect? Isn’t a gardener a somebody too? A housewife? I’ve been searching for an answer for the past 2 years and frankly, I’m nowhere near to finding the answers myself.

As a 20 year old, my version of a somebody would be someone attending university, doing her ideal course. Someone who has tonnes of friends and even a caring, loving boyfriend. Someone who knows what she wants and is on the verge of getting it. I don’t think I qualify to be that someone for all the above 3 reasons. I used to think that I had such high self-esteem, but what a mockery. I don’t sound like myself anymore. And thus, we’re back to the ‘i-don’t-know-myself’ issue once more.

I find myself searching for my personality. What is it that I like to do during weekends? Who do I enjoy hanging out with? What are the clothes that I usually buy? What kind of music do I listen to? What is my greatest achievement so far? I also find myself, loving to tell stories about my college days to my hometown friends and vice versa. It’s sort of a childish attempt to indicate subtly that ‘Hey, I have a life too!’ All this for what? All because I felt the need to reassure myself that I do indeed have a life! If I had high self-esteem, I would not have needed to do so. Back to the question of having an identity crisis again! Sigh.

I feel like I don’t know myself anymore. But I would really like to know me once more. I guess time does play a hand in this. I know it’s complicated and I might sound like a psychopath with split-personality but I assure you, while I’m clueless and lost in translation, I’m still perfectly sane. (Don’t worry; I won’t go around with a butcher’s knife killing everyone I know) But then again, I would have discovered my identity as a serial killer, wouldn’t I? Ha-ha…just kidding here.
Let’s just say that to those of you, my friends who truly know me, or think you know me, drop by a note okay? It might help rise up my self-esteem-o-meter up a notch. God knows, it’s gonna reach zero anytime now.

Somebody to Love

Song of the day: Anne Hathaway – Somebody to love

Who would have thought that Anne Hathaway could sing? I did not but as it turns out, she could really pull a tune out of this song. The original version was by Queens, the legendary rock band of which lead singer, Freddie Mercury died of overdose of drugs (or something like that). She sang it in the movie, Ella Enchanted of which was pretty dumb considering they had escalators back in the medieval days? Anyway, I did enjoy the movie somehow because of the songs that they sang in it. I had always enjoyed movies where there were musical scenes in it. (Think: My Best Friend’s Wedding of which Rupert Everett was serenading Julia Roberts with his version of ‘Say A Little Prayer for You’ and Sister Act I and II of which there were plenty of musical scenes by Whoopi Goldberg and the sisters). Since I’m such a sucker for music, I guess it’s no mystery. Anyway, back to Ella played by Anne Hathaway of Princess Diaries fame. In a particularly memorable scene in the Giants pub, Ella was compelled to sing a tune for the giants to listen. She began timidly, ‘Can anybody find me….somebody to….love….’ and the giants joined in, amazingly enough. And so the song began.

Ella:

Each morning I get up, I die a little

Can barely stand on my feet

Take a look in the mirror and cry:

What are you doing to me?

I have spent all my years believin' in you

But I just can't get no relief!

But somebody,

Giants:(somebody)

Ella:Somebody

Giants:(somebody)

Ella:Can anybody find me somebody to love...

Got no feel I got no rhythm

I just keep losing my beat

I'm okay I'm alright (she's alright)

It shows that there's no defeat

I just gotta get out of this prison cell

One day I'm gonna be free!

Lord somebody, (somebody)

Somebody (somebody)

Can anybody find me somebody to love

Giants:(She works hard)

Ella:Everyday

Giants:Everyday

Ella:I try and I try and I try

But everybody wants to put me down

They say I'm going crazy

They say I got a lot of water in my brain (ah...)

Got no common sense

I've got nobody left to believe

Yea, yea yea yea yea

Guitar Solo

All:Find her somebody to love (6x) Can anybody find me

Ella:Somebody to love...

Giants:Find me somebody to love (4x)

I never noticed the song before but after watching the movie, I totally liked it. I guess the reason is because I can totally relate to the song and its lyrics, if you get my drift. Well, it doesn’t take a genius to understand it not? ‘Can anybody find me somebody to love???’ Duh….. I’m pathetic and I know it. Go figure.

Canned Heat

Song of the day: Jamiroquai – Canned Heat (Centre Stage soundtrack)

“I used to put my faith in worship

But then my chance to get to Heaven slipped

I used to worry about the future

But then I threw my caution to the wind”

I did not realize what an amazing song it was till I watched Centre Stage again recently. You know what, I think I enjoyed the movie more the second time I watched it! I was at home in Ipoh for the weekend, sitting in front of Kelvin’s laptop, surfing the net (so, what else is new in my life?). When I got bored surfing the same old website (Yahoo Mail, Friendster…) I decided to watch Season 5’s Episode 15 of Gilmore Girls on the DVD that Charmaine had so kindly lent me for the weekend. Much to my dismay, the laptop did not recognize it. Weird as it is, I gave up and went for another bunch of CDs of One Tree Hill episodes. Urg!!! They won’t work either! Either there was seriously something wrong with the laptop or the CDs of which both could lead me into big trouble. I was bored, it was too early to sleep and I finally relented on watching Centre Stage again. After all, it was years ago that I watched it so……I turned off the lights, settled the laptop comfortably on my bed and totally immersed myself in the movie. The first time I watched it, I remembered thinking that Jodie was awfully pretty, Charlie was such a cutie and Cooper was such an asshole. The feeling never changed. My favourite scenes in the movie were the dancing scenes. There were a few notable ones like Jodie and Cooper in the dance class, Jodie and gang dancing salsa at a night club and of course, the crème de la crème; the workshop performances at the end of the movie. I kinda liked the dance class scenes. It was just WOW! When I watched it, I felt the sudden urge to sign myself up for that kind of dance class. It was exhilarating to watch the choreography and the song was da bomb! It was kinda rock-ish and I have yet to find the song to download. The workshop performances were pretty cool too. I like the choreography of the first one of which Jonathan (Peter Gallagher of OC fame) had directed. When it finished, you just couldn’t help it but clapped at their perfect ending. I did anyway, ha-ha. The 2nd performance however, was unorthodox in ballet terms. It was a rather modern day setting, with the opening scene of a bunch of dancers in a ballet class taught by Charlie. Jodie was the main dancer in this performance. Everything was well when suddenly; Cooper rode onto the scene in a larger-than-life motorbike. The crowd literally gasped. He jumped down and charged straight towards Jodie. They began chasing each other on the stage (albeit in a dancing sort-of-way) which totally annoyed Charlie whose got the hots for dear Jodie. Anyway, the rest of the performance weren’t totally memorable but the ending was the best! Jodie was torn between Charlie and Cooper, who were each holding on to her hand. When suddenly, she turned into this devilish woman and pushed both pursuers away! That’s when the Jamiroquai song was playing in the background. Jodie began dancing with a bunch of girls and the whole time, I couldn’t take my eyes off the screen. The choreography was excellent! The formation was superb! All in all, it was a performance worth watching over and over again (which I did). I totally enjoyed the movie and for those who hadn’t watched it yet, I totally recommend particularly those of you who loved dancing to catch it!

Another dancing movie that I had watched was Dirty Dancing starring Patrick Swayze. It’s not a ballet theme though but it was pretty worth-watching for Swayze really did look amazing when he was younger. Another dancing scene that came to my mind was the senior prom scene in Grease. It was pretty bland at first when they were slow dancing but I kinda like the song that was playing in the background (Those Magic Changes). Anyway the real dancing occurred during the dancing competition of which Danny (John Travolta) and Sandy (Olivia Newton John) was such a cute couple. But then the bitchy Coco (No idea who) pushed Sandy away and took Danny as her partner instead. You’ll hate Coco for doing that but you gotta admire her dancing! She and Travolta totally heated up the dance floor. It was another wow! but it wouldn’t make it into my top-ten favourite dancing scenes anyway. Oh yeah, another dancing movie worth watching would be ‘You got served’. Personally, I did not watch the movie but Taya told me that it was really COOL. If you dig those break-dancing type of moves, go check it out!

Dancing movies are few and rare in between but I so wished that they were more of these to come in the future. It’s not the gracefulness of the dancers, nor the perfection of their moves but rather the choreographing that really intrigues me. So if you know any good dancing movies that I have not mentioned above, please recommend it to me will you? I would so totally appreciate it, man.

Fly me to the Moon

Song of the day: Frank Sinatra – Fly me to the moon

“Fly me to the moon,

and let me play among the stars

Let me see what spring is

like on Jupiter and Mars”

What have I just done? Seriously, gal what possess you to create your own blog? Went to college as usual, spent a lot of time in front of the computer, MSN-ing and suddenly I was inspired to create a blog? Totally spur of the moment. Never in my life have I ever wanted to start an online blog. C’mon, you’re talking to a girl here who only wrote in a diary once in her life. I think it was Form 3 or 4, can’t really remember. Wonder what possessed me to start a diary back then too? Hmm….
Anyway, what’s done is done. So, here I am writing in my blog for the very first time. I just hope I know what I’m getting myself into….sigh

Fly me to the Moon….a great tune by the great Frankie. God knows why but that song has been on my mind since the last few days. It’s driving me crazy at times. You know how it is when you’ve got a song stuck in your mind. The more you try to shake it off, the more often it plays in your head subconsciously. I remembered a time last year, when my KDU friends and I were chilling around after our finals; we had this particular song that was seriously driving us nuts. We had no idea who brought it up. The thing is, it was the weirdest of songs! Ever remember watching Smurfs back when we were way younger? You know, the whole bunch of bluish creatures that are all male except for one female living together in a storybook village or something? Well, someone started humming the theme song and that was the beginning of our nightmare. Out of the blue, you started humming it, la la la la la la…..God! It was pretty irritating. And now, this Frank Sinatra song. I hate it when it happens, but it just seems to happen all the time!

The Moon…Hmm…. You know the saying, ‘Reach for the moon, if you fall, you’ll still land among the stars’? So basically, the Moon here represents the ultimate dream, sometimes the impossible one. For many, they dream big, huge things that are highly unattainable in reality. Making your first million by the age of 30, owning and driving a Ferrari in the South of France, having your face spread out on the pages of Vogue, etc. For me, my ultimate dream would be being CEO of a multinational conglomerate. I guess I’m not much different from those people. CEO of a company, who am I kidding? But dreams are just that, dreams. They will never ever come true. A bit pessimistic here, you say? On the contrary, I consider myself pretty optimistic at most times but let’s face it; there is a glimmer of truth to my claim right?

The real ‘Moon’ in my life is actually pretty achievable. All I want in life right now is to succeed in my goals.
Long term goal: Be a successful career woman with a loving family (I’m no different from any other woman, I suppose. But true to heart, that is what I really want in life ultimately)
Short-term goal: Study hard, get a bloody scholarship and go overseas.
Studying overseas is elusive to me, considering my financial situation (not that I’m poor or anything but studying overseas can really put a huge dent in your pap’s wallet) so I really, really need a scholarship for me to be able to fulfil my lifelong desire! So, you see the ‘Moon’ in my life is pretty simple. But getting to the Moon is the tough part. Literally speaking, an astronaut would have to undergo training and all that crap, and when he does qualify he would have to count down to ten till the space craft finally takes off into space. When in space, he would have to control and steer the rocket and finally, use all his brain and years of knowledge garnered to be able to land safely on the surface of Mr. Moon. All those years of hogwash for the simple task of landing on the Moon, sigh. You could ask Mr. Neil Armstrong whether it was all worth it and he would have said yes without hesitating. After all, you get to achieve something no one else in history has ever done before. Of course, it was well worth it!
Figuratively speaking, getting to our ‘Moon’ would be a tough and enduring journey too. Our ‘training’ would be our years spent in studying the course of our choice at universities. Just like an astronaut. Our version of ‘count to ten before blastoff’ would be our counting down the days till our finals are over. Just like an astronaut. We control the ‘rocket’ by maintaining our grades to be consistent or risk facing failure right in front of our eyes. Just like an astronaut. We ‘steer’ ourselves by making sure we stay on the correct path and not stray into the abyss of darkness and nothingness (read: implicating ourselves with drugs etc.). Just like an astronaut. Our ‘landing’ would be securing a job that would satisfy all our heart’s desires, financially and mentally speaking. Just like an astronaut. Guess they don’t differ much from us huh?

Sometimes, I just wished some kind soul out there would miraculously fly me to the Moon. Wouldn’t it be amazing if you just woke up one day and found yourself being the exact person that you wished to be 10 years from now? (Kinda reminds me of that ‘13 going on 30’ movie, staring the lovable Jennifer Garner and cute-in-a-gruffly-way Mark Ruffalo) No hardships, no toil and suffering, no worries at all! You’re already what you always wanted to be! I really can’t wait to see what I would make myself to become 10 years down the road. Will I be the successful corporate woman I always envisioned to be? Will I have superb friends whom I’ll hang out with every single weekend? Will I be married to a wonderful and caring man? Will I be staying in an ultra cool apartment that I personally bought with my money? Have you ever actually wondered?

I wish I could just skip all the ‘training’ part and fly directly to the Moon. But then again, some would argue, What’s the point? Where’s the fun? The anticipation? Let me give you a very good example. Have you ever played the Singles: Flirt up your life game before? Your mission is to hook up 2 people who are housemates and make them fall for each other. Most people will use the cheat code in order to get more money or heighten up their characters’ senses and needs. There comes a point where money has reached the maximum level, all accessories have been purchased and needs of the characters have all been satisfied. So, what’s there to play for anymore? It’s ‘Game Over’! What’s the point in playing it in the first place if you can just win in a matter of hours?

Exactly my point. The anticipation. The build-up. That’s what makes life interesting. Kinda like World Cup. In my opinion, the most exciting match isn’t the final one but rather those quarter and semi-finals matches that gets my pulse racing. I feel there were more grit and determination in those matches than the final itself. Take for example, World Cup 2002 in South Korea and Japan. My favourite match was the 2nd round battle between Spain and Ireland. It was such an exciting match because the dreadlock had not been broken and the match went down to penalties. It’s the cruellest way to determine a winner because to me, it’s all just pure luck. Anyway, it was such a moment. I was teetering on the edge of my seat every time someone stepped onto the penalty spot and delivered the blow. There were a few gasps and phews naturally but at the end of the day, I was a happy person. Spain had won! Then came the quarterfinals; Spain against host country, South Korea. I was nervous for my team for facing the host nation would always be difficult in all circumstances. Spain had major bad luck riding with them to the East for the match went into overtime yet again. Sigh. Another potential heart-attack for me. Unfortunately, this time Lady Luck wasn’t smiling on Spain again. They lost on penalties. I was so, so disappointed. After that, my interest in World Cup was no longer at a high. I did root for Germany after Spain lost but it’s just not the same anymore, you know? I did watch the finals of Brazil vs. Germany for the sake of watching it. But my heart wasn’t in it anymore. So for me, finals are always bland especially if the team you were supporting did not make it through.

So, I guess what I’m saying is that the journey to the Moon itself wouldn’t be very interesting if we would have arrived on the surface of the Moon a split second after we departed from Earth. What’s the hurry? Why can’t we sit back and enjoy the view from space?

So in a way, real life pretty much resembles that. I really want to get to my ‘Moon’ as soon as possible but then again I would be missing the ‘view’ on the way. Isn’t getting to admire space with all its beautiful array of stars be as priceless as stepping onto the Moon itself? Isn’t it much more interesting to discover slowly how our lives unfold within the next 10 years? The crazy things that we would do, the wonderful people that we would meet, the experiences that would last a lifetime, now isn’t that what life is all about? So, I guess in a way, we should all be lucky that we can’t ‘fly’ to the Moon. What is life all about if you can just fast forward yourself into the future? Life would be just boring, totally dull, eventless and uninteresting. Plus, you wouldn’t have appreciated success unless you worked hard at it.

Thus, I guess I just have to tell myself, “Sit back and enjoy the view, gal coz you’ve still got a long journey ahead of you.”